World Records are records for a reason…

May 1, 2008 at 4:55 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 18 Comments
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So, tragedy strikes me again. Actually… some may call it stupidity… I like to call it adventurism. I was watching Oprah yesterday for the first time in about a decade because David Blaine was going to attempt a world record. Now someday I will break a record myself so I wanted to watch what it will be like when I go on Oprah to break my world record for fastest unsnapping of 20 bras with one hand.

 

Now to the good stuff… David Blaine decided to break the record for holding his breath underwater the longest. At first I though… pffft, that’s a wussy record, I could probably break it. Then I heard the world record was 16 minutes and 32 seconds. WHOA!!!! The longest I ever held my breath was like 2 minutes and that was when I was a kid, this will lead us into my dumb move of the month. So David gets in his little water capsule and begins. This man held his breath for 17 minutes and 4 seconds… AMAZING!!! Granted, he did train for a long time and had oxygen pumped in his lungs for 23 minutes to help him. Crazy thing is that he had a heart rate of about 127 bpm when during training he was targeting around 50 bpm. This means that if his heart rate was lower he may have made it up to 20 minutes, that’s my educated 3 years of college guess. Haha.

 

So after he finished I said, “huh… I wonder if you can hold your breath longer as an adult.” I figured I could only do 2 minutes because I was a kid. So I filled up my tub and got myself ready… my target: 5 minutes. Easy!!! David Blaine did 17. So I get in my tub, butt in the air and start holding my breath. I then realized I didn’t have anything to keep track of my time. So I got up and got a stop watch. I got back down to action. I am sure if you took a picture of me doing this it would win on “Americas Funniest Home Videos”. Butt up in the air again, head in the water. Unfortunately I have a bit of a cold so in the middle of my attempt at the J-Si world record I went into an “I want to cough convulsion” and unfortunately my body decided to try and take a breath… it doest work when you are underwater. So I started chocking. Kinsey thought I was taking a bath so she ran in asking “why are you in your underwear next to the tub?” In the mean time I am on my back looking very sexy struggling to stay alive and remove the water from my lungs. Then I remembered that I read bath tubs are dirtier than a toilet… this means I drank foot juice, sweaty juice, and some good amount of old soap… and I am pretty sure my friend went pee in my shower once because he is lazy. Yay me!!! I almost drowned and I have an upset stomach… BARF!!!

 

Moral of the story: do not try to attempt world records in your tub, or when sick, or at all.

 

 

WORD!!!

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Oh no!!!!! I did a bad thing…

March 27, 2008 at 4:17 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 30 Comments
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Well, some of us have embarrassing days… and then some of us have please let me go live under the bridge with two cats that fight all night long so I cant get any sleep embarrassing days. That happened recently… fortunately it didn’t happen to me… unfortunately it happened to Kinsey… oh, and did I mention I may have been the cause? So let me break it down because to some I may be a guilty boyfriend… but to my fellow 5th grade revenge mentality people you will see that she got what she deserved, haha.

So we decided to go out and enjoy the weather by taking a jog outside and get away from the treadmills. On the way back home we decided to run on the streets instead of taking the trail we normally jog on. It was rush hour by the time we got to our run so when we reached the main road (which by the way is one of them big boy roads that is one way and has four lanes leading into the highway) the traffic began to delay our jog due to the massive amount of waiting at the lights. At one of the light Kinsey apparently got bored. So what do women do when they get bored? I don’t know, but Kinsey likes to play jokes, so as I am standing at the light she decides to pull my pants down… yup, she pantsed me!!! It was no biggie; I was wearing running gear under my shorts that went down to just above my knee so I probably just looked like a dude with tights on. Afterwards I just sprayed Kinsey with some of my water and we laughed and it was all good. Little did she know that I was plotting my attack, I didn’t know what it would be… I figured wrestling in the middle of the streets while giving her a super wedgie was a bit too much… and so tying her shoelace to a pole with my crazy classified too crazy for the boy scouts knot was out of the question because not even the CIA can find a way to undo it.

As we were nearing the end of our run we came across a HUGE intersection. Kinsey was standing in front of me with her hands on her head catching some air… this was my opportunity and I decided to take it. As the light turned yellow I realized if I timed it right I could do a pull down and run. So I walked up behind her and WHAAAAM!!!! Pants to her knees. I was about to start running but unfortunately the first thing I saw was butt cheek and no underwear to be found. I automatically fell back and screamed “oh, crap!!!” Kinsey on the other hand was shock so her hands stayed on her head as she helplessly looked down; it was if I had just pantsed an armless woman. By this time the construction workers behind us started hoot’n and hollerin, and the cars started honking. About 4 seconds into it her pants were still down and she looked at me and said, “Why did you do that?” so I replied in mid laughter, “Pull your pants up!!!” She finally came to her senses what seemed to be an hour later. We then ran across the street while everyone honked and gave us thumbs up. Whoopsie daisy : )

So the moral of the story is: Do not pants your boyfriend if you are not wearing underwear because he will get you back.

  WORD!!!!

I AM GETTING SICK!!!!

January 29, 2008 at 4:36 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments
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Who has two thumbs and is about to get super sick? This guy right here!!!! I may have caught what has sidelined Shanon the last couple of days. I hate that feeling in my throat. It starts getting sore and you know that in the morning you will wake up with no voice and about a gallon of mucus in your nose… that happened this morning and it could not come at a worse time. I have to go out of town this weekend and I got a football game on Thursday.

Not only am I sore from being sick; I am super sore because I decided to get my out of shape butt into the gym again. I will go ahead and blame how weak I was yesterday on being sick… that means I got about 4 days to get stronger so I don’t look like a 12 year old girl lifting weights again. Wish me luck in feeling better.

In some good news: For the first time in my life I turned down mac and cheese. I am desperately trying to be healthy and Kinsey made me some mac and cheese while I was munching on some tuna… I would much rather eat some cheese, I think I was a mouse back in a past lifetime. Anyways, I grabbed the bowl and said, “You don’t own me mac and cheese!!!! I OWN YOU!!!” I realized that talking to unhealthy food makes me feel better. Kinsey looked at me like I was nuts, plus she is starting to get all up on the PMS deal so I decided to mess with her, enjoy:

 

 

Plus we got a brand new goofing up video ready for ya!!! Yup, it’s a double whammy!!!

 

 

 

WORD!!!!!

NEW GOAL ALERT!!!!

January 16, 2008 at 6:17 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 11 Comments
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My new goal this year is to become famous through internet videos… so far so good. If Andy Sandberg and friends can do it, so can I. I just don’t want to be the guy who everyone recognizes but they never know his name thus officially becoming: THAT GUY!! Anyways, my friends an I filmed a bunch of videos when I was back home and we have been releasing them weekly. Now I feel like an addict. Every time I get away from my computer I can’t wait to log on and find out how many more hits the video me and my friends made. Then I get all sad when the views haven’t gone up much. I think we went the wrong direction by posting the videos on like 10 different sites. We should have stuck with one and pumped that up. Oh, well… WATCH OUR VIDEOS, you could say I watched and emailed their video around before they sold out… AWESOME!!!! Speaking of technology… I SUCK AT IT. I can’t get my darn Itunes working. I think my computer is too slow for some reason. Then I bought the wrong memory card for my camera (too small). I was so excited to get home and record my dogs wrestle. Actually its more like watch Dex get whooped by Delilah and have him jump on the couch and growl at her. Nope, instead I sat on my couch with an empty camera and watched Delilah whoop Dex up. I hope target takes my memory card back, if they don’t I will assume the fetal position and superglue my head to the floor. That will show them. So if you work at Target and see a dude with his head superglued to the floor give me a quick holler. To top things off some jerk saw my Chargers sticker on my car and called me a “front runner”. What is the point of trying to piss off a complete random person? It blows my mind. What makes it worse is that there is not a good comeback that would not make me look like a 12 year old so I just looked at him like a doofus as I got in my car. I personally wanted to yell at him and take out all my frustration I have held for the last 14 years. Instead I sat in my car telling comebacks to myself and pretending he was in the car… but that made me feel even more stupid when I noticed a lady staring at me at the light. Yeah, I was making tough man faces while doing it to make it more realistic. That’s how I roll. Oh, one random question: why do homeless people have pets? I saw a homeless guy who usually works the corner right of the freeway by my house on my way to work this morning at the gas station with his dog… he was on the pay phone. Who is he calling at four in the morning? And what does the dog eat? I guess the dog may like it because he gets to always be outside. If I was a dog I would want to be a little one that gets to perform at the football games catching Frisbees.  Those dogs kick butt. My dogs don’t even know how to play fetch correctly. Still a learning process, they do know how to sit though : ) WORD!!! 

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