I should be a stunt man…

June 30, 2008 at 5:36 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments

Oh, boy… I know I was a bad, bad blogstastic boy last week. The reason is strictly due to the desire of sitting in front of my computer waiting for my girlfriend to send me an email… yup, I am a mess right now. I found myself calling her phone and letting the dogs hear her voice. How super stupid is that? The good news is that I got myself on the workout hungry mind. Luckily my lil hernia scare is going away and I no longer feel very much pain. Unfortunately now I am addicted to the electroshock machine. There is nothing better than a surge of electricity going through a sore muscle. I did have some portable one that Dr. Mary gave me, but in Kinsey fashion they were thrown away because Kinsey thought they were band-aids and she deemed them way too big and not cute… plus we “already have enough band-aids.”

 

Update on the random box of grown up videos left at my door. I still have no idea where they came from so I took them out to the trash room (yes I did throw them away… no I will not hand in my man card for doing that) where I came across a wonderful TV stand. I figured I would take it home and tell Kinsey that I bought it for her sister as a move in gift. GENIOUS!!!! So I started wheeling the stand back home… yes, it had some sweet wheels. Halfway back to my place my neighbor walks by me and says, “Did you get that from the trash room.” I decided to cover up, so I busted an Andrew and said, “What are you talking about? I was just going to ride on it down the hall for fun… silly.” He then said that would be dope which translates into “I wanna watch”. So I went for it. I ran and when I had picked up enough speed I jumped on. I would love to tell you that I made it gracefully down the hall, but that would be a lie. Instead the front wheel locked causing my entire weight to shift forward and which caused some collapsing action sending me face first into the ground which caused him to bust out laughing which caused people to open the door and see me awkwardly resting on top of what used to be a perfectly useful TV stand. That was your J-Si should be a stunt man moment of the week… brought to you by the letter 5. I know five isn’t a letter but it looks an awful lot like S… maybe they are related. Maybe there was an affair between E and 3… it could have happened.

 

Moral of the story: if you find a TV stand with wheels ride it anyways… I heard that 20% of the time it works all the time and those are some good odds.

 

WORD!!!!!

NINJAS are everywhere!!!!

June 24, 2008 at 4:27 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 11 Comments

So after two weeks of agony and brain teasers about where my wallet disappeared it magically reappeared. Let’s re-cap this mug real quick: I went to brunch on a Sunday two weeks ago, then I went to the dog park, then I went home and watched the NBA finals at home, and then I went to sleep. Next morning I noticed my wallet was missing. After turning the house upside down for three days I gave up. I had to go to the DMV, I had to cancel all my cards and get new ones.

 

Fast forward to the present: we had just gotten done with a break and I was reminded by a hilarious Family Guy joke so I jumped up to tell the joke to Kidd, and all of a sudden I noticed a black thing next to my foot. It was a wallet… my wallet. I have no idea where it came from because I had not worn those jeans in a long time and definitely did not have them on when I lost my wallet. And I had not been at work that day so I did not bring my wallet here. So the only rational conclusion I came up with is that the wallet was either stuck on my butt for two weeks or a ninja stole it and was told by his evil scientist father to give it back because I had already canceled my cards and he could not buy the lasers to destroy the universe with my awesome $1000 max limit. So by canceling my cards I may have saved the world. This means that I have fulfilled one of my life goals… I am a super hero.

 

In other news Kinsey left for Chile and I went home and cooked chili. All and all a good night… except for my girlfriend leaving for three weeks, and getting stuck with watching the dogs by myself.

 

Moral of the story: Ninjas are still cool even though one may have stolen my wallet : )

 

WORD!!!

I am a hunter…

June 20, 2008 at 3:11 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 13 Comments

So we are on the market for a new apartment… we pretty much found our spot, but while looking we came across the weirdest and most awkward moment. So we are at an apartment complex. From what I had seen I liked it. The building looked nice, cool pool, had a gym, and covered parking. Then we finally got to the meat of the tour. The guy who was walking us around opened the door to the apartment. First thing you see is the kitchen; so we walked in to take a lil gander. After the kitchen we were off to the living room… unfortunately while walking towards the next destination we were forced to stop because a gang of cucarachas, I am pretty sure they were bloods due to their red-ish color… anyways, they decided to cross on over towards their hood, AKA the fridge. Apparently the guy trying to lease us the apartment must have been a blood too because he just looked at the roll on by.

 

See, in my world we stomp out roaches when they be crossing my path. We don’t fool around Jompton, that’s my hood. So these three little guys waltzed on under the fridge, the guy watched them do it. Looked back up at us and said, “Well, this is the living room… its pretty big.” Kinsey just stood there with a baffled look on her face and said, “Ew.” I busted out laughing, I only LOLed because I didn’t want to ROFLMAO due to the dirtiness I had just seen. So instead of addressing the issue the guy said, “Do you want to continue looking.” I was still laughing so Kinsey answered for us with a good old, “Um I said Ew… so no. Thanks.” The guy freaking tried to continue as if nothing had happened. They also looked like they may have been on steroids too, or eating some beefcake shakes. Needless to say we will not be moving in there : )

 

Moral of the story: if you go looking for apartments make sure you are reppin your hood correctly or some roaches may pull their gats out on you.

 

 

WORD!!!!

Monday… Monday

June 17, 2008 at 5:17 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 10 Comments

This blog features Kinsey’s best though/action of the year. You know what I have realized about dogs? Switching food must be done little by little. Unfortunately Kinsey made an executive decision yesterday. It may not have been as bad if it had been done earlier in the day but she made the old switcheroo at 10pm last night.

 

For the first time in ever my dogs ate wet dog food… I told her it was not a good idea, but she insisted it would be ok. Fast forward to 2:30 in the morning; I woke up to the loudest stomach growling ever from Dex. When I finally opened my eyes I was greeted with Dexter’s booty all up on my face… luckily I moved my head back and as I did that he lost control. Yup, Dex pooped the bed. I guess it is becoming an annual (gotta be careful with my typing right there, I may accidentally miss the second “N” and the “U”) thing because he did that last year and I rolled over it. This year my face narrowly escaped. Unfortunately the pillow didn’t… so lets all pay tribute to my 2 month old pillow : (

 

Today I now go on a quest to find a pillow with no dog poo on it and I need to find a new apartment to save me some moneys. Wish a brotha some luckity luck.

 

Some questions that needed answering:

 

1. I never found my wallet

 

2. Peanut butter is awesome

 

3. The sun did burn my face.

 

Moral of the story: If your dog’s tummy rumbles in the jungle move your head so you don’t get the “There’s Something About Mary” poop edition : )

 

WORD!!!!

 

 

 

 

6 years and counting…

June 13, 2008 at 4:36 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments

So today is the big J-Sey anniversary (that is my celebrity couple name I gave us J-Si and Kinsey put together… brilliant!!!!). So I did what most men do in romantic occassions… I have decided to hand in my man card and write her a love letter, and if that isn’t man card violation worthy I added a coating of readign it on the radio because that’s how I roll. Here is the letter:

 

Dear Kinsey,

 

I can’t explain the anxiety I feel as I sit here and watch you sleep… is it creepy? Yes, but I can’t help myself. I still get butterflies when I kiss you, and I still feel like an excited puppy whenever you come home. I may not show it all the time but trust me, you are still as beautiful to me as the first day I laid eyes on you. We have been together exactly 2,190 days, but who’s counting? There have tears and laughter but in the end everything turned out for the best.

 

There are four people in my life that I truly trust… and you are one of them. Who would have thought that after getting rejected and humiliated publicly would have turned into this. Six years is a long time and 18 year old girls don’t usually settle down… and hot girls don’t usually settle either, haha, but you are different. You saved me from making the normal 19 year old guy mistakes, even though I still managed to screw up quite a bit… but you stayed by my side.

 

Everything I have in my life is in great part due to you. This desire to succeed in life was not there when I met you… I was down and out… I wanted to call it quits, but you re-ignited my fire inside. Every move I make in my life is made with the intention to make your life better. Thank you for being a big part of turning me into the man I am today. You have taught me that a guy does not have to be perfect, even though I am pretty darn close, to get a super hot, smart, and loyal girl.

 

Happy six year anniversary Kins! With you, I am not looking for a happy ending… because true love has no ending.

 

Your stud boyfriend : )

 

I will go ahead and say that if I was a girl I would date me. Just kidding!!! I would totally be a gold digger. Kinsey’s sister is in town though and they decided it would be fun to come home at 2 in the morning and tell me all about their night. YAY!!!! If I come home at 2 am I make sure to sneak into the bed and go to sleep without incident because if she wakes up she will want to talk about my night. Just a few differences between women and men right there. They almost got kicked for waking me up… Delilah had my back though because she did wake up and growled at them.

 

Next week stay tuned to the show because Kinsey will be featured in my Hip Hop drive thru…

 

Moral of the story: Making celebrity couple names up for you and your fellow lover is fun… unless your names are Stan and Minka AKA “Stinka”…Or if your names are Wes and Nilvirus AKA “Wesnilvirus” haha. OK I am done.

 

WORD!!!!

MY WALLET IS GONE!!!!

June 10, 2008 at 4:12 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 10 Comments

So I have been running around with my head cut off… no, I didn’t get into a sweet samurai sword fight because if I did I would have won. I unfortunately misplaced my wallet on Sunday… or yesterday. I prefer not to use the term lost until I notice some activity with my credit card which has yet to happen. Here is the problem with losing my wallet:

  1. I did not drink on Sunday
  2. I only used my card once on Sunday and put it back in my pocket.
  3. My jeans have the flap pocket so the wallet would not fall out.

 

I am literally about to pull my hair out because when I lose my wallet I usually can pin point the time… this time I have zero clue. I do feel bad if the person who finds it thinks they struck it big time. I only had 20 dollars in there and my ATM card which will get you about 32.73 dollars at the most. Yeah, I am a huge baller up in hurrrrrr!!!

 

So today is round two of my search. Today Dr. Mary will be questioned because I had an appointment with her yesterday and believe my wallet may have fallen out of my shorts when I had to get dressed. If Dr. Mary did not find my wallet I will question my final two leads… DELILAH!!!! And DEX!!!

 

 

 

 Sources tell me that dogs eat things and hide them. I believe one of these two culprits may have gotten a hold of my wallet and chewed it up. If I put enough pressure on Dex I am sure he will give Delilah up… If she is found guilty she will receive 20 minutes in the kennel and 2 weeks probation. In doggie years that got to be at least 2 months of hard time. I will update you tomorrow.

 

Moral of the story: I need to get a murse… aka a man purse for those who act like they don’t know but you really do know because deep down inside you want one too.

 

WORD!!!

I got big boy things to do today…

June 5, 2008 at 4:13 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 9 Comments

So, since Kinsey has been back my entire nutritional plan consists of burritos. Yup, Kinsey came home with a duffel bag full of them, about 26 frozen burritos from my favorite taco shop back home. At this rate I should be out of burritos today or tomorrow and back in the gym after I go to the hospital due to my clogged arteries. I will start doing that more often though. When you move from your hometown there is always that one thing you can’t find in the new spot. For me it’s that kind of Mexican food. There is Tex-Mex and then there is Cali-Mex. There is no Cali-Mex where I live now and there is no In-N-Out burger. That right there can drive a man insane if you ask me.

 

I have been taking this week to get myself all situated. I have to look for a new place, I got new car insurance… which took 2 hours, and cost me a lil extra because I ended up getting some renters and life insurance too… Go ahead robbers!!! Rob me… well, not me. Rob my house, but do it when I am not there so I don’t have to open up a can of whoop a$$ because if I do I usually can’t close then can back up. And don’t do it if Kinsey is there because she will get pissed off at me for telling you to rob the place. Oh, and please don’t rob my dogs… You can take Delilah but she will poo and pee all over your car and your house so you might as well leave her at my pad. Oh, and the PS3 and all my games are off-limits because I would be depressed without those things for the time it takes to get the money and buy stuff. Other than that… take anything… except my TV because I need to watch TV for work, but you can have the piece of crap one in my room : ) you know what you can take though? My couches (due to Delilah bladder problem) and computer (due to being built back in 1998).

 

Today I am off to the DMV!!! Yay!!!! I get to stand in line for three hours and I don’t even get to ride a 20 second rollercoaster as a reward.

 

Moral of the story: DMV sucks… life insurance rocks.

 

WORD!!!!

Someone shoot me!!!!

June 2, 2008 at 4:29 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 13 Comments

On Saturday our group went down to the pool… all day. Once 4pm rolled by I decided to go on up to the room and rest up for the night. I had been there since 9 am partaking in some adult juice, and I had only gotten about 2 good hours of sleep before Uncle Daddy woke me up with his daily Karaoke warm-up. So I went up the elevator where I saw a dude who was at the pool. We were talking about how fun it was ended up getting off on the same floor. So we both said see ya later and all that good stuff… yes we did the awkward hand shake thing. I blame it on him being a goofy white guy. I was sharing the room with Uncle Daddy and it was huge!!! It had two bedrooms, two baths, and a living room. VERY NICE!!! I noticed as I walked towards the room that it was currently being cleaned. I don’t know the hotel etiquette very well; can I go inside? Should I go inside? Should I just go back down to the pool? I decided that I would go inside and hope that my room had been cleaned. So I walk in and notice that the lady is in Uncle Daddy’s side of the room and my bed had been made. So I walked on through my room and went into the bathroom and locked the door so the cleaning lady would not see my “sexy time” suit. HIGH FIVE!!! I walked in, turned on the bathroom TV, went potty, turned on the shower, got in, and had an awesome shower while watching Rocky IV.

 

Now, you are probably thinking that the cleaning lady somehow opened the door and embarrassed me. Nope. I got out of the shower with no incident. I did forget to rinse the soap from my armpits but a quick rinse cleared that little mistake right up. I put a towel around my waist and walked into my room to put some shorts on and take a nap. Unfortunately when I opened up the closet my luggage was nowhere to be found so I walked from the J-Si wing over to the Uncle Daddy wing of the room to ask the lady what happened. I thought that she may have moved it or burned it. So I walked in and asked, “Excuse me ma’am, do you know where my luggage is?” she responded with, “I no see any in that room,” (shout out) I now started to freak out a bit. Had someone walked in my room the same way I walked in and jacked my luggage real quick? I started to freak a bit and said, “Well all my things are gone,” she then says, “I don know what to say you.” (shout out)  There I am standing in front of a stranger in my towel freaking out. I then thought, maybe Uncle Daddy is playing a trick on me because I looked down and noticed a suitcase with guy clothing in it but next to it was a suitcase with a bunch of girl stuff in it too. He really went all the way with this joke… so as I start to walk back to the bathroom to grab my phone to call him two girls walked into the room. I know The Vegas Strip has some of those services but I thought you had to call them, and these girls looked a little too normal. They seemed a bit freaked out, as why I and one of the girls asked if everything was ok. I replied with, “not really… all my stuff is gone,” so the other girl who had a bit of an attitude said, “aaaand why are you in my sister in-law’s room?” First of all, I don’t need the elongated vowel sound; Second of all she is stupid.  So I answered with the most collegiate answer I could think so, “na-ah, this is my room. My friend and I are staying here.” The attitude chick then says, “Are you sure?” so I said, “yes, we have room 26238, we traded our rooms in… maybe the double booked.” Attitude queen replied with, “that’s good for you, but this is room 24238,” I felt a rush of blood inundate my face but still. Here I am in a towel and in a stranger’s room making a fool of myself and all I could think is: why did they give a married couple a suite with two rooms in it? I then asked the girls if I could just get changed and I would be on my way and I would bring them one of my clean towels. The nice one said, “Sure,” and attitude girl just rolled her eyes… if I had a drink I would have thrown it at her. 

 

I rushed in the bathroom and quickly put on my suit and grabbed my shirt and scurried out while deeply apologizing. Halfway down the hall I heard attitude girl say, “Ewww!!!!” This is when I noticed that I forgot to flush the toilet… yup, I was embarrassed about going to the bathroom and didn’t want the cleaning lady to know so I left it there with the intentions of flushing once she left. It was easy to forget because the toilet had its own separate little room. So I did not return with their towel.

 

Later that night after my nap and forgetting about the embarrassment we headed down to dinner. Low and behold, on the way down the elevator made a quick stop…I noticed two very familiar girls with about 3 other girls and 2 guys enter the elevator. Yup, the two girls and their group ended up in our elevator. AWKWARD!!! Why do things like that happen to people? Ok, why do they happen to me? I know that as soon as we walked out of the elevator the girls told everyone that I was “that guy” from earlier in the day… oh well, what are the odds that I will see them again, or that they listen to the show? I don’t know but I hope it’s pretty bad.

 

Was that the only time I embarrassed myself? Heck no!!! I happened to come across Linda Hogan and I unfortunately only know her as Hulk Hogan’s wife which is what I said when I walked by her… unfortunately she did not take that too lightly because she glared up at me and said, “I am not his f****** wife!!” I also did not notice that her 19 year old boyfriend was sitting next to her. So I would like to take this opportunity to say sorry Hulk Hogan’s EX-wife : )

 

Moral of the story: always flush the toilet.

 

Bonus Moral of the story: Don’t date a 19 year old kid because I will accidentally think he is your kid and call you Hulk Hogan’s wife.

 

WORD!!!!

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