Myspace sucks!!!!

May 29, 2008 at 4:59 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 19 Comments
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Umm… the craziness continues. So yesterday I logged onto myspace after a hiatus of about 4 or 5 days. By the way, “hiatus” has got to be one of the coolest words out there because it makes you sound smart and it is easy to remember. As approved all my new wonderful friends I came across a picture of a girl that looks a lot like my sister. I decided to stop the scrolling and look at the picture and found that this girl not only looked like my sister… she had the same name as my sister. CRAZY HUH? (Picture some sarcasm in my voice in the next few lines) I know my sister would not have a profile because my mom has said no and she is only 13 years old. I still wanted to make sure so I clicked on the profile just to double check… low and behold this girl was from San Diego too… just like my sister. Fortunately I finally had found something that would distinguish the two. This girl was 14 years old. Phew!!! I was relieved. NOT!!! It was my little sister in the typical myspace pictures that all girls take with friends and post on myspace to get attention from boys. Did I feel uneasy about it? Oh yeah! But you know what? I was her age once and I know what it feels like to be told “no” by your parents. I too would go and do things behind their back… it is part of being a teen… well, in my instance I wanted to be an international spy so I needed to learn how to get away with things, and I had to learn how to do a flip and drive fast but I never quite got to that point… yet. Plus there is no way you can go through life without seeing at least one vein protrude out of your parents forehead and or neck, I preferred the forehead.

 

I then started to do what any older brother would do if their 13 year old sister got a myspace: I started looking around. There were a few things I found to be a bit out of the ordinary: 1. no way to see her comments 2. She apparently has a boyfriend 3. No top friends list and 4. I don’t like her boyfriend. I did manage to find some comments on her pictures though and this is when J-Zizzle’s head hit the ceiling. This lil punk who is dating my sis is 15 years old and in high school. When I was in high school I looked at middle school girls as little kids, why? Because I was too cool for school that’s why. Haha. This kid has also left some pretty disgusting comments on my sisters page. I naturally wanted to write him a little message but if I did my sisters life would in her words be “ruined forever”. I wish I could tell you what he wrote but it makes me want to punch the computer screen… and I am at work so I would have to pay Kidd for the computer and the Rock Band game I am borrowing for life. Then there were some other boy comments such as, “you are so hott” (you gotta write it with two t’s because that’s how you get into a committed relationship with a woman) and old school favorites like, “I can almost see down your shirt,” and don’t forget the all-time favorite, “I don’t know u, but damn girl you is hot” (he didn’t use two t’s because he doesn’t want a commitment). I have never felt the symptoms of a heart attack, but after reading those comments I wanted to whoop some high school butt.

 

So I did call my sister yesterday and told her it’s all good. Maybe I am being a bit overprotective but to her everything seemed like it was just for fun and jokes. To me it was the realization that my sister is growing up and will eventually kiss a boy… when she is around 25 years old… and she will eventually fall in love and get married… when she is 46 years old… and eventually have babies… long after I am dead.

 

Moral of the story: when you lock your sister in the closet when she is 4 for some laughs… never open it up… ever. But do give her food and water, that would be good, and maybe a book or something… and a TV, but no myspace.

 

WORD!!!!!

When it rains…

May 28, 2008 at 4:57 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

I park far away with no umbrella, ella eh eh eh… haha. You thought I was gonna say “it pours” huh? VERY NICE!!! If you didn’t think I was going to say that then this joke clearly went over your head… and for that I apologize.

 

Not a good day for me yesterday. First off my “groin pull” I had a couple of weeks ago has not gotten any better. Instead it has gotten worse. I started feeling some lil throbbing pains near my stomach groinage area. Luckily Kellie knows an awesome doctor who I have met and feel very comfortable with. So she hooked me up with her after the show yesterday.

 

This is where the bad day began. First I got lost beyond any imaginable form due to construction. Here is a tip for construction people… don’t close off the road I need when my groin hurts unless you give me a detour that actually leads me back to where I need to go. So I ended up getting there about half an hour late. This is where the second bad news came: I can’t play football this week, and if it doesn’t get any better I may be out next week, and there is a possibility that my lil injury is a hernia. Then when I start limping out of the doctor’s office I notice that it is raining incredibly hard and I parked about 50 yards away. I got more wet than that one time Kidd fell in the mud and laid there while Kellie and Al danced the night away. You really don’t know how much you need your running abilities until they are taken away from you after scoring a magnificent long touchdown that will go down in history as one of the greatest moments in flag football. Some call that bragging… I like to call it the truth. To make my day even more Debbie Downer on the way home from doing a bit I was pulled over by a cop… oh, pulled over would be nice. How about walked up to at a red light while everyone watched and chuckled at me as I received my ticket, and Andrew was with me. Just when you thought it ends there more happens. Andrew could not wait to eat the Taco Bell so he ate all his in the car while my food laid on the floor yearning to be eaten. Once we arrived Andrew grabbed all the food and his trashed and we walked to my apartment… I am still limping by the way. My apartment is about 100 yards away from my spot. I needed to use the potty and edit something on the computer.  As soon as I was done I noticed that Andrew threw all the food in the trash. I naturally said thought, “this punk ate my food.” So I asked him where my food was. He replied with “I don’t know.” Oh you guessed it… my food was left in the car in humid post rain weather in the bright sun. By the time I arrived at my nachos it was too late, they had been “soggyfied”. I hate soggy food!!! It’s like flashing into the future when I will no longer have teeth and have to eat baby food again and wearing adult diapers. I decided to put some on for the effect. They were comfortable.

 

Moral of the story: If my injury never heals I will have to become a pimp since I already have the walk down.

 

WORD!!!!

I should stick to my day job…

May 27, 2008 at 4:29 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

I am back from Mexico!!! Holy moly, I had such a great time!!! Unfortunately Kinsey got sick. Here is a tip everyone: Do not drink a cup of water from a drunk chick… she may have poured tap water in your cup. Most of the vacation is such a blur because it went down so fast but some things I did notice: 1. Al does not have a register in his bar… where does all the money go? 2. No health code down there. 3. If you fall down the stairs it is funny and you can’t sue. 4. Al can stick his tongue down Shanon’s girls mouth. 5. If you drink some beers the night before you may wake up with a cigarette in your butt… and I don’t even smoke… not that it was me who ended up with the cigarette down his pants.

I also was able to DJ at a club for three songs. I met a basketball player down there from the area so he took me to a club and told the DJ at the club that I was a DJ and he wanted me to spin. Um… I guess he doesn’t know that I am not that kind of DJ. I used to do some parties back in the day so I said. What the heck, lets do it. I had no idea how to use his equipment, or what was on his CD’s, but I tried. So I got up there and started playing Sexy back and instead of having Timbo say the “yeah”, I had Usher on the other board and played the trumpet from his song Yeah. Everything was going great until sexy back ended and I tried to switch to the full on Usher song. Unfortunately it was set to loop the trumped part over and over. So I did what any man would do. I freaked out and hit a button that I thought said play on it. It was the eject button. Music was gone!!! Did I get booed? I don’t know I was trying too hard to not pee my pants. Finally I pushed the cart back in and some random New Kids on the Block started playing. I decided to step down only to be pulled into a dance circle of 80 year old ladies with boobs down to the floor and wearing that wonderful perfume I like to call “Cigarettica”. I am pretty sure that the three of them had a combined amount of two teeth. They were neat, neat ladies and spoke absolutely no English, so I managed to get out of there by telling them I had to go walk my dog… at two in the morning. The rest of the weekend was great : )

Did you hear about the pictures of Mars? I am so excited about them that I would like to share this list with you:

 

***TOP REASONS I DON’T GIVE A CRAP

ABOUT THE MARS PHOTOS***

–I have a job . . . and friends . . . and I don’t live in my mother’s basement.

–I know they’re fakes because Paula Abdul is nowhere to be seen.

–I’m more of a fan of Uranus! (Rim Shot!)  Yes, I made a Uranus joke, because I’m five.

–The last time I checked, Mars was mostly void of girls who were going wild.

–They got cheap oil up in there? Didn’t think so.

–Mars isn’t posed semi-nude in next month’s issue of “Vanity Fair”.

–If I wanted to see a picture of something scarred and bumpy, I’d take a picture of my buddy’s butt.

–I’ve sworn off other planets until that Martian stops harassing Bugs Bunny.

–I don’t look at Mars until Oprah says its okay for me to look at Mars.

 

WORD!!!!

Bye, Bye, Bye!!!!

May 23, 2008 at 2:56 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments

Today is the big day!!! We are off to Mexico!!! Unfortunately I have a man ego and decided to play football last night even though I pulled my groin pretty badly last week and decided to play anyway. So now people in Mexico are going to think I am trying to be all cool and walk with a pimp walk… yeah, I am going to be “that guy”. I also will not be able to swim and if I do I will be going around in circles because only one leg works… yeah, I am going to be “that guy”.

 

So I will have to put up with Kinsey and her 3 bags for a three day vacation. One for shoes, one for clothes, and one for bathing suits… just kidding… ok, not really; I think she is bringing two. The worst part about going on a trip is having to take care of everything else before we leave. In this case we had to take care of the dogs. Now Dex went with our friend Natasha yesterday… I have never seen Delilah so sad. She sat by the door for about 30 minutes crying… then I threw a toy at her to shut her up… and she went back and cried some more. It was the saddest thing I have ever seen. So I picked her up and held her and decided to take her to the doggie bar down the street where she was continuously harassed by a 180 lbs dog. We decided to leave because if he got her pregnant somehow I think the babies would be way too big for her… and I don’t want her to have saggy doggy boobs. That’s just a random thought. Ok, off we go!

 

WISH US LUCK!!!!

 

 

WORD!!!!

Never wash your car…

May 20, 2008 at 4:04 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 11 Comments

I definitely have the worst luck when it comes to having a clean car. After attempting to wash my car at the gas station mechanical Robocop looking car wash and failing miserably I changed my plan of attack. So I show up to the gas station and put my money in… there is nobody in the car wash but the cool robotic voice told me to wait until the car in wash was done. I figured that it was just warming up for me. After sitting there for 5 minutes I decided to hit the help button. I should have realized that something would go wrong right about then but I had already paid my 7 dollars. A few minutes later the gas station girl walks out. She is about 18 years old and a bit ditzy in an “I don’t know how to work any sort of machinery” way. I tell her the wash isn’t working so she calls some 800 number… after about 10 minutes of intellectual conversation about what may be wrong with the wash, the operator determined that the machine had not been turned on yet. So she turned it on and promptly was soaked by the spray… I laughed and drove my car in.

The girl went inside… probably to dry off. So I sat in there, my car was sprayed and then the awesome pink soap rained down on my car covering the entire thing. I love that part the best… apparently the car wash knew that was favorite part because it decided to stop right there. So after waiting a little bit and realizing that the wash stopped I drove out looking like a wannabe pink pimp mobile. Was I embarrassed? Yes! It looked like Big Bird drank some Pepto Bismol and pooed all over my car. I did get my money back but there was no hose to be found… That’s what she said!!! Hahaha. So I drove on the freeway looking like a gay comet.

 

I decided to take matters into my own hands and wash the car by hand. Not a good idea because I definitely messed up my tan with my shirt and it was way too hot to be doing that. Finally, after an hour of trying to get it just right I was done. My car looked brand new. On my way home I drove on the back streets to avoid any birds and other car debris. Unfortunately for me I drove on a street that had a busted pipe… this meant water was everywhere. It’s all good though because I drove very, very slowly. However, the person on the other side of the street was not and got water all over m y driver side as they drove by. YAY!!! Then I decided to drown my sorrows with a smoothie and when I came back someone had run over a bottle of Naked Juice which just happened to spray all over my passenger side back door. YAY!!!

 

Moral of the story: Don’t feed Big Bird Pepto Bismol and naked juice should be drank and not dropped under a tire in the parking lot.

 

WORD!!!

Sometimes you have to fight the law…

May 16, 2008 at 2:49 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 9 Comments

I may have found the male equivalent to giving birth… you may think there is no way in hell that this could happen… I say: you don’t know a man’s pain. Haha. Had my weekly football game yesterday, yes we won, and I suffered a drastic injury to my male working parts… more on that in a bit. First I want to vent.

 

The reason I was hurt at my game is because I did not have the proper amount of time to stretch and I blame this on the daing 5k run that was happening near my house and surrounding my neighborhood. I need to get to the freeway but every road is blocked by cops… I was driving around like a chicken with its head cut off which could be dangerous because that would mean I had no eyes. Every possible street I hit a cop would tell me to turn the other way… WHY!!!! There is nobody running yet! I finally decided to become, “that guy”. You know, the guy who stops in the middle of the intersection because he is lost. I asked the cop how I could get to the freeway and he said, “Keep driving.” Listen here buddy. I don’t care if you have a gun and know how to take down a 300 lbs man on crack cocaine. You are now messing my football game and that there is fighting words. So I got out of my car in the middle of that intersection and walked up to the po po and said, “listen pimpin, your job is to serve and protect me and you are not doing the serving, you know what I’m sayin? So serve me up some directions before I have to get all hood on you in front of this here traffic scene.” Then the ladys horn woke me up from my daydream… I love daydreams… I also love oranges and bananas mixed together lately. Anyways, I somehow managed to get myself lost into finding the freeway. Don’t you love when that happens even though it takes an extra 5 years to get to your destination? I finally got to the free way and then had to wait an extra 10 minutes to get on because the 80 year old man in front of me decided it would be “national go 5 miles per hour day” on the freeway. Yay me!!!

 

So I ended up getting to our game two minutes before it started and halfway into the game when I turned up the jets during a wonderfully orchestrated touchdown catch I pulled my groin… really really badly pulled my groin. I couldn’t even think about running. It felt as if my upper thigh was having contractions… even though I don’t know what contractions feel like. Now I can’t walk up stairs, I can’t jog, I can’t dance, and I can’t sit down very easily. So all you pregnant women out there… I sort of kinda hopefully now understand what it feels like, I tried pulling my lower lip over my head once because I heard that is how it feels, but I stopped because it started hurting… if it hurts worse than my groin pull I would just simply say: Sorry guys cant have babies… unless you are that dude from Oprah who used to be a chick : )

 

Moral of the story: if a cop says you can’t go down a road… do it anyways. There is no way he can run and catch up to your car… unless he is as fast as a cheetah… or me.

 

 

WORD!!!!

My girl knows what she wants…

May 14, 2008 at 3:02 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Have you ever heard of those time share presentations that try to sell you use of some condo which you may never use? Well Kinsey told me she was not taking me to that. She told me we were going to receive free airline tickets so naturally I asked, “What’s the catch?” She said, “nothing babe, we are just going to be asked a few questions about traveling.” I figured it would take much time and I get a free trip… no problem.

 

I still did not feel right about this but went anyway. We arrived after having a little tiff due to directions. To shorten it up I will just say that the tiff happened because I was right and she was wrong and we got a bit lost. When we arrived to the building we were already a lil heated due to the direction squabble. As soon as I walked into the room I realized Kinsey had been tricked… unfortunately she still believed this was legit. So we sign in and actually receive a coupon for free gas… that’s pretty awesome. Shortly after receiving our gift we are informed that we will have to endure a 90 minute presentation. No sit, no trip. GREAT!!!! So they have a guy sit down with us and prep us… also known as “butter up” the morons. After every third word he would tell us to “keep an open mind” to their product. Kinsey finally started feeling weird about it and asked, “Are you guys trying to sell us something? Because I was told there were no gimmicks and no time shares.” He said, “We don’t sell time shares… but we are going to try to sell you something.” He then smiled and continued talking. All I heard was blood rushing to my brain because I could have been at home resting.

 

Luckily the “presentation” started shortly after. I mostly heard, “blah blah blah, cheap traveling, blah blah blah, Hawaii, blah blah blah, only cost 9,000 dollars.” That’s when I accidentally let out a lil laugh and spit up my water on the back of the neat neat lady’s head in front of me. Did these people really expect the folks sitting in that room to pay $9,000 on the spot? I mean, don’t get me wrong, the people in the room, including myself, were nice but they did not look like they could throw down that sort of cash. The program seemed great and I am sure you can make money back with all the savings but A. I don’t travel much and B. hell to the no on the $9,000 (I would get it if I won the lottery or if someone hooks it up with 5 mil).

 

Thank God Kinsey was there because I felt bad and would have sat there an extra hour going over ways I may be able to afford it. Instead Kinsey said, “I don’t want it.” She said it flat out like that. Haha. The guy then got his manager, AKA the “deal closer” to come in and try to assess the situation. Kinsey was not budging. If Kinsey wasn’t there I would have fallen for it and gotten a loan out and put myself out of a house and car. Kinsey was straight up with the manager too. She said, “we don’t travel much, and I hate cruises, and my boyfriend is broke… can we get out trip now?” The dude got up and said, “sure, I understand.” A few minutes later we received our coupons for tickets. That’s right, we have to send in a voucher and pay 70 dollars per ticket… these companies are so smart. They know I am far too lazy and cheap to do all that business. At least the people there were not too pushy and seemed pretty nice… we were still lied to though.

 

In a quick news note for all you beer lovers… Anheuser Busch says it’s losing money due to the rising cost of beer ingredients… Oh no! They increased the price of roofies?!? Haha. I am done.

 

 

WORD!!!

I have a duty I must complete…(haha, I said duty)

May 9, 2008 at 3:42 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 9 Comments

I have bought Grand Theft Auto IV… I didn’t want to buy it because I don’t have the time to invest in the game. However, I was at the mall and walked by Game Stop and saw it on the window just calling my name, “J-Si, buy me… you can have another life and make tons of money and any car you want.” So I gave in and bought it with my gift card. I told myself I would only play it for one hour a day that way I can still have a life and do work and all fun grown-up stuff. I started playing around noon so I should have been done by 1 pm… three hours later after making about 500 bucks, going on three dates and developing a relationship, fighting with gang members, and getting in a huge brawl with two bouncers at a “gentleman’s club” I said, “oh, crap… I was supposed to stop playing two hours ago”.

 

So this is my goodbye to the world for a couple of month’s speech:

 

Today, I consider myself… the luckiest man-ananan on the face of the earth-th-thth. I have decided to give up having a life in order to indulge into something very unnecessary. Where else will I be able to fight the law and crime at the same time? Nowhere. Where will I be able to make fictional friends from another country? Nowhere… unless I got nutty crazy and start making things up in my head. Where will I be able to go to a gentleman’s club and not get in trouble with Kinsey? Nowhere! This why I must embark on this mission, I may be gone for a month… or two… or a year, I don’t know how long the game lasts but its something a man must do.  I will not go to the gym anymore, I will not play football anymore, I will not go out on the weekends anymore… this until I have fulfilled my tenure with my GTA game. However, I will eat Cheetos everyday, I will drink at least a six pack of sodas, and I will eat pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I will grow out my pony tail… why? Why not? That’s why. So farewell and wish me luck.

 

PS- Sorry Kinsey : )

Why do I do some things?

May 7, 2008 at 4:47 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments

Ummm…. There are a few things girls should warn guys about before making us commit to something. Example: Kinsey tells me I am white and need to get a little color. The natural solution is to tan. Unfortunately I don’t have time to go out to the pool and lay there for hours and suffer from a wonderful sunburn. So Kinsey tells me it would be wise of me to invest in a tanning membership. My first inclination was to stick my hand in the peanut butter jar and throw peanut butter at her to show how hilarious I thought the idea was… seriously, peanut butter on my girlfriend is just as hilarious as me getting a tanning membership.

 

So what did I do? Did I put my foot down? Hell to the nah!!! I caved in because I did feel pasty after my awesome farmer’s tan that I acquired on Saturday… and Kinsey said I would look more buff if I tanned. So Kinsey and I headed off to the tanning salon. I will go on and say that the front desk person at tanning salons is more annoying than telemarketers. I went in there wanting to get a $20 membership. His goal was to sell me the $200 membership. If Kinsey wasn’t there I would have fallen for his trap just to shut him up. I kept saying, “I just want the twenty dollar one.” Apparently this translated into, “I want to spend my entire paycheck on the super duper crazy ultra 4000 tanning bed and the fruity tootie fresh and cooly smelling lotion.” I don’t want my body to tingle, I just want some color so when I go on my trip to México I don’t get laughed at by my people. So after 89 minutes of telling the guy what membership I wanted, he finally quit, or ran out of ways to rip me off. He was one minute away from a swift kick to the tongue… luckily I only do that at the 90 minute mark.

 

Let’s move on to my tanning phase. I have noticed that Kinsey places a hart sticker on her skin to see how tan she is getting. I figure this is normal so I put the only sticker I found to be not super gay on a well placed area of my body. I had to choose from a heart, a “sexy”, and lips. I choose lips. As I came out I told Kinsey I had gotten pretty tan based on my lip sticker… as I said this a guy said, “dude, that’s for chicks.” Everyone started laughing so this is what I told the overly tan orange oompa loompa looking dude… “So is tanning.” Simple and to the point. In you face guy who works out 4 hours a day and fake tans with the weird spray that makes you smell like a dirty foot!!!! I will continue my tanning until go to Mexico to make sure I don’t look like a fire truck after the first day; I can’t look like a lobster because they are way too small. Fire trucks are big and awesome.

 

Moral of the story: I win and the wise a$$ loses… even though I had just tanned myself.

 

 

WORD!!!!

HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!!!!

May 5, 2008 at 4:06 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 15 Comments

 

Oh, what a weekend… Friday night we had a show outing. We all hung out and had some fun no problem. For some reason on our walk back from the bar Andrew “what are you taaaaalking about?” Jones decided to say he was faster than me after we door bell ditched and had been running for a block. I saw this as a shot to my manhood so I challenged him to a good old fashioned foot race, I was going to do a kick fight but he was wearing steel toed boots. Naturally Uncle Daddy and Big Al decided they thought they could beat me as well… I am happy to announce that I annihilated them in the race… huge man ego boost. The award for hugest loss of man ego goes to Uncle Daddy for losing to Big Al. Andrew was disqualified because we said we would run and he waddled.  

 

 Saturday was Kenny Chesney time. I played “Slosh Ball” in the morning, then headed up to the venue to tailgate, and then entered the concert. I wish I could tell you Kenny rocked but I don’t really remember much… I do remember giving people high fives though : ) VERY NICE!!!!

 

I also got a chance to check out “Baby Mama”. I must say that the movie was better than I expected… its still no “Iron Man” though.  

 

Now I will take this week to recover from my newly acquired farmers tan and weird random bruise on my arm. I hate when I have a bruise and don’t have a clue where it came from.

 

Anyways, HAPPY 5 DE MAYO!!!!!! I know many of you would love to learn Spanish so here are some Spanish words and phrases to help you with your learning process : )

 

 

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WATER

My vieja gets mad and I don’t even know water problem is!

 

 SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BRIEF

My homie farted… bad, and I couldn’t brief.  

 

 SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: MUSHROOM

Orale vato, when all my familia gets in the car, theres not mushroom.  

   

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CHICKEN

My vieja wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by herself .

 

 SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: LIVER & CHEESE

Some vato tried to sweet talk my ruca.  I told him, orale loco liver alone, cheese mine.

 

 SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JULY

Ju tol me ju were goin to the store and July to me! Julyer!

 

 SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WAFER

I wanted to go with my mom to the flea market pero she didn’t wafer me!

 

 SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HERPES

I had some cake to share with my wife, this is my piece this is herpes

 

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: TISSUE

I told you if you didn’t know how to do it, I could tissue.

 

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HARASSMENT

Aorale vato my old lady caught me in bed wit my sancha so I said harassment nothing to me!

 

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CASHEW

I was running after you but I couldn’t cashew!

 

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BISHOP

We went out to the club y mi vieja got drunk and fell down, so I had to pick the bishop.

 

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JUICY
Hey vato, I’m going to eat Paco’s food, tell me if juicy him!

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