to buy or not to buy…

April 29, 2008 at 4:21 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 11 Comments

Should I buy Grand Theft Auto 4? My brain says yes, but my girlfriend says no. If I get it I will be subjected to becoming a video game criminal for the next 2 months or so… at least its not real life criminal… that would not be fun unless I still from the rich and give to the J-Si, then it would be ok. Jk : ) Anyways, I am going to hold out… I think… but I want it really really bad. To make matters worse I have to drive by the video game store today and I have a gift card from my birthday. I am a weak man. WHY!!!! Why can’t I still be 19 years old with no worries and a summer full of time to waste? That would be ideal for me. Wish me luck with this awful temptation… in the mean time enjoy this list:

 

 TOP SIGNS YOU’RE WAY TOO PUMPED

ABOUT “GRAND THEFT AUTO 4”

–When your dad was leaving for work you ran out there, pulled him out, and took his car.

–You stood in line for the chance to stand in line for the chance to stand in line in front of Gamestop.

–You decided to you abstain from sexy time to play the game… Or however you want to spin your virginity. 

–You punched random people on the street to see what would happen and got your butt kicked by an old lady.

–You’re so excited about being able to play with other people online that you’ve stopped the futile search for real-life friends.

–You’ve been up all night . . . and your mom is PISSED.

WORD!!!!

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I may be getting a little too old for stuff…

April 28, 2008 at 4:41 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

So I am pretty sure everyone wants to know how prom went… well, I think it went awesome… now, hopefully Erika has the same feelings about this. Unfortunately for the youngins it was raining cats and dogs… where were the cats when that bird attacked me last week? So that made the voyage out to her house a long and scary one. Yup, she lived about an hour and some minutes away. Luckily I didn’t have an old white guy as a driver… I had a young hip brotha. We pretty much talked sports and swapped stories about weird people we have come across in our line of work. Shout out to Dayton by the way.

 

So we finally arrive at her house. Every single family member was waiting out there with her. Half of those family members were of the male gender and about 99% were more muscular and intimidating than I am (the other 1% was for the lil boy that was hanging out there). I don’t know why but I always feel like I am more awkward than a young deer learning how to walk. I feel like I cant walk and I drop things and I forget to say things. After getting threatened with my life if I treated her wrong we were on our way (I don’t blame them, I am going to threaten every single guy who looks at my sister until she is 30 years old).

 

We had some dinner and arrived at prom. For some reason I felt super nervous to walk in there. All these thoughts were going through my head like: what if I left my fly down? What if I fall in a puddle? What if I accidentally trip her and she falls in the puddle? What if a kid calls me a dork for going to prom at 25 years old? Actually I have an answer for that one… I would kick him.

 

We walked in and luckily I blended in with the kids… for once I was glad my face could not produce facial hair thus making me look like a teen. I was also shorter than most of these kids. As far as dancing goes I am not surprised at what I saw in there. Plenty of kissing and grooving, the thing is that I didn’t know what to do. I can’t dance on her because A. she is in high school B. I have a girlfriend C. I would feel oogie D. it would be weird E. her brother said he would kill me.

 

So I spent the night at a good two feet distance, except when we slow danced. One girl did break the two foot bubble. I started feeling a girl going to town behind me. So I kept dancing a lil bit and all of a sudden I felt a firm pinch on my gluteus maximum. I perked up like dog when he hears a low pitched whistle… except my tail didn’t start wagging. Fortunately that was the only incident of the night except for when the teachers tried to pull me in the closet… haha, just kidding.

 

I went, I danced, I didn’t make that big of a fool in front of people… I don’t think, and Erika had a good time : )

 

I may have to retire from Prom:

 

I J-Si, (tear) feel its time in my career to (sniff), hold on let me compose myself. After four wonderful proms and coming out of retirement for my 5th, and still never winning Prom King, I have decided to fully hang up my tuxedo shoes. I had some great times and some bad times, but my body cannot handle another dancing for four hours straight. My dancing is not what it used to be and I feel like instead of helping my date… (tear) I am hurting them. Thank you!!! It is ok to retire my tuxedo whenever you want.

 

WORD!!!!

 

Check out the pictures at kiddlive.com!!! Thank you ERIKA!!!!

Little things can bully big things…

April 25, 2008 at 4:25 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 28 Comments

I now officially hate birds with a passion. So yesterday I am walking my dogs… have you ever walked two dogs at once? If you have, have you ever walked one calm dog and a dog that is the spawn of a Tasmanian devil? Yeah, it’s tough. So I am walking my dogs having a good time trying to prevent Delilah from running out on the street and preventing Dex from trying to fight a 130 pound bulldog… all of the sudden I feel something zoom past my ear. I was thinking some idiot threw a rock at me so as I looked around I noticed a bird flying away from me. I then though, this bird must be blind or something. He then stops on a branch about 2 feet from me. At this point Delilah wants to play her favorite game called “lets kill the bird and bring in back in the house and store it under the bed until it starts smelling bad so J-Si has to move his bed and clean the carpet”, so to summarize things… she was going crazy with joy.

So this bird is sitting there looking at me, I am not a wuss so I stare at him right back. I started to get the “its about to go down” feeling in my stomach. He then said, “Squak, eerrp, paaak”, which in bird language means, “break yo self foo.” So I answered with “you are a freaking crazy bird.” I decided to be the bigger person and started to walk away and from behind I felt something peck the back of my head and knock my hat off. Yup, the bird cold cocked me in the back of the head. Now both my dogs are going crazy because they wanna protect big papa. Unfortunately they have now begun to tangle up my legs with their leashes. So I turn around only to catch a glimpse of the bird torpedoing towards my face so in the process of ducking I somehow lost my balance and fell on my knees. As I looked up to compose myself I noticed two girls walking their dogs about 30 feet away… were they scared for me? No, I would say they were lightly laughing at me… or loudly, you say tomato I say tomatoe. So I get myself up and start lightly jogging away and now the bird has decided to hover in front of my while lunging towards my face. I couldn’t really see much but I kept hearing, “squak” this and “squak” that so I busted out the only bird word I knew and said, “Cluck you stupid bird!!” He then settled again on a branch in front of me and he yelled some more bird obscenities at me. If I could do an awesome roundhouse I would have kicked him but I am not very flexible in the leg department so I passed that up. I decided to pick up a rock instead and in the midst of my anger I threw it towards the bird. The odds of hitting a bird with a rock are real slim and that is why I did it. I just wanted to let him know he messed with the wrong dude, plus if I hit him and he fell to the ground I could give him his well deserved kick in the beak. Luckily I missed, unfortunately my apartment complex was right behind the tree and my complex has windows. I watched in slow motion as this rock flew straight towards a window. The bird did fly to dodge and landed on a power line were he continued to mock me, the rock hit about a foot from the window… you don’t understand how scared I felt as the rock flew through the air. The two girls probably thought I was on drugs.  As they walked by they smiled and one said, “Having a bad day?” She said it with the “you are a moron” tone. So I quickly came back with, “you’re having a bad day!” I hope the bird attacked them too. I decided I had made my point with the bird and walked. No more attacks occurred after how found out I was strapped…

Moral of the story for the bird: In the hood you never know if the guy you are messing with is carrying a concealed rock… it’s a dangerous world out there for a bimp (that what you call a bird pimp)

WORD!!!!

I saw and accident…

April 22, 2008 at 4:52 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 10 Comments

Howdy folks!!! Kinsey’s sister left… I have to say it was a very successful visit other than the large amounts of money I spent on dinners and drinks… THANK YOU TAX TIME!!!! She had fun, Kinsey had fun, Dex had fun, I had fun, Delilah got diarrhea… all and all a good time. I did see Tony Romo celebrating his birthday with Jessica Simpson. They were making out and having a great time. I know celebrities are normal people… but it’s weird to actually see them acting like everyone else inside the club. Jessica did point at me when I was near her and she said “brown chicken brown coooow!!!” She remembered the joke from our interview!!! Yup, she wants me… as bad as she wants a swift kick to the left shoulder… the back on the shoulder if you wanted to get all technical.

 

Now let’s get to the HOLY CRAP! moment of the day. I witnessed my first motorcycle accident yesterday. I was headed to my favorite store… Target… and as I was arriving to the light it turned red so I patiently waited to make my right hand turn. As soon as the light turned green I noticed a motorcycle accelerating pretty quickly and next to him a pretty good looking girl in a Jetta… yeah, he was doing the show off deal to look like a SADOB (super awesome dude on bike). He then proceeded to quickly go into wheelie mode. His bike started to wiggle a bit, my eyes quickly got big and I no longer looked Asian. I knew it was gonna happen, I felt it in my stomach. The girl in the Jetta had stopped after noticing what was happening. After a few feet of wiggle action the guy slipped off the back and the bike slammed to the ground creating little sparks as it slid. I knew the guy would be ok because of lack of speed and cars, I now called him a SAC (super awesome crasher). As the guy was sliding right behind the bike and all I kept thinking was… Oh, this is scary yet so freaking awesome at the same time. As soon as the guy stopped I put my hazards on along with the guy behind me and we both ran towards the bike dude. A couple people from the shop had come out too and the girl in the Jetta was next to her car calling 911.

 

As we approached the guy on the road all we heard was a low groaning sound like when a guy gets hit in The Mexico part of the body. He groaned for a few minutes. So the genius next to me asked, “Are you ok?” I looked at him in disbelief thinking, “this guy just slid 25 feet on asphalt, is groaning and his shoe fell off… yeah he is chipper!!!” The guy managed to get on his knees, still groaning (if you ever watch Family Guy, think of Peter when he gets hurt, that’s what he sounded like). We told him we called 911 and he said, “I don’t need it, I don’t have insurance.” Now I may be onto something here but would you have health insurance if you were going to drive a deadly speeding machine with no airbags? He then manages to stand up which made me want to puke as soon as I saw the road burn on his leg, yes he had jeans on and the road decided to borrow the right side of his pants. He then asked, “Man, what did I hit?” the guy next to me said, “Nothing, you just lost control.” So the biker replies, “I must have hit a pot hole.” So I said, “Nah, the road is pretty smooth, I think you may have hit that huge bump called your ego.” Just kidding I didn’t say the last part and good thing I didn’t because it’s pretty corny. He then picked up the bike and limped it over to a parking spot in the little shopping center that was just feet from where he crashed and everyone went on their way. I offered to buy the bike from him for 20 bucks… he said 50, so I said 30 and a ride home; he said 45 and a ride home. I then walked to try to call his bluff. He didn’t call it so I ended up with no bike.

 

Moral of the story: Wheelies are cool, but dorks who crash trying to do a wheelie to impress a random girl who they will never talk to them because rat tails went out in the early 90’s are AWESOME!!!

 

WORD!!!!

What does one do?

April 17, 2008 at 5:09 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments

Tonight is Kellie’s birthday party… I have a dilemma… a huge dilemma. Well, at least in my life it’s a huge dilemma. If you guessed J-Si would say Dilemma 3 times at the beginning of his blog you were completely wrong. I said it four times, if you guessed four you win a “yo mama” joke: Yo mama so fat she’s got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book! Haha. Anyways, tonight is the first game of my football season with my new team and it starts at 7pm. Kellies Party starts a 6pm and ends at 9pm. This means that if I play I will arrive at the party at around 8:30pm… not enough time to be a good friend. On the other hand I really don’t want my new team to think that I am flaky. But Kellie did put on my b-day party. So I have come to the conclusion that maybe a miraculous rain storm will flood the field or and anonymous sand monster threat will be called into the football field. If both of those fail I believe I will just have to miss my first game. I can’t ditch Kellie like that on her B-day party… I have nothing crazy going on during the week and the one time I have plans I end up having double plans. Sometimes life sucks… so you know what I say… Don’t let it suck, you tell that life, “no, bad life! Sucking is not aloud you hoochie life.”

 

 

WORD!!!!

My stomach has left the building…

April 15, 2008 at 4:47 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments

Today will be a quickie but a goodie. Haha, that’s what HE said. I will also give it a rating of PG-13.  So I went out to lunch with some foolio friends of mine. During lunch I started getting a bunch of calls from Kinsey. So finally I answered because I figured something crazy was happening. You know when the fellas go grab lunch we don’t want to be answering the phone due to loss of man card points. So when I answered the phone I could tell something was wrong so I asked her… she gave me those words every man hates to hear: “I will talk to you when you get home.”

 

My appetite had been ruined… I call it a well timed attack on her behalf, touché. So after going over every single move I made the last month, and after thinking about all the things I have not told her about breaking I came to the conclusion that I needed to face my “what the heck in the world did I do” matter.

 

When I arrived at home Kinsey was on the bed with the dogs and a face that I would like to call somber with a splash of pissy, and a hint of anger. She automatically held up what a thing that rhymes with ondom. So she asked “where did this come from?” Apparently Kinsey had been doing a little cleaning up action with my clothes and may have stumbled across the pants I wore for St. Patrick’s Day. Luckily I remembered why I would have it and said, “I have it because I was dressed like the funny leprechaun and a drunk dude in the parking lot figured I would be getting some love from the ladies so he handed me that florescent pink guy… which you grabbed from his hand and stuck in my back pocket to be funny.” She looked at me… back at the ondom… and back at me and just said, “oh… yeah.” That was it. She then got up and gave me a hug and a how are you and moved on like nothing happened. HOW DO WOMEN HAVE THE POWER TO DO THIS?!?!?!

 

 

WORD!!!!

There are plenty of morons out there for all of us…

April 14, 2008 at 4:25 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 12 Comments

Well, there are great weekends and then there are crazy weekends. I did have a lifetime highlight though. I got to play football in Texas stadium… on the actual field… with actual footballs… and actual football players, if you count a bunch of fellow out of shape radio guys football players. We had cheerleaders, and refs, and even lunch on the field.

 

We ended up having a blast hanging out with out affiliate radio peeps… and then Saturday came along and with that came something I like to call the “douche bag”. So Kinsey and I were hanging out with my friend Paul and Jen at the bar. We were having a good time and had just arrived. In fact we had just sat down. In walks a man who I will kindly call and idiot, he was your typical rich guy wearing a sweater, polo shirt, kaki shorts, and weird old white man shoes. He decided to walk on over to Kinsey, who I had my arm around, and grab her hand to let her know how beautiful her eyes were. I let that slide… if a drunk moron wants to hit on my girlfriend in front of me I will be a grown up and let him give her a compliment. Unfortunately he did not walk away. Instead, he kept on trying to talk to her. All of us were becoming a bit irritated with this guy but we kept our cool. I ended up walking out to my car for a second to grab something. When I came back the guy was gone. YAY!!!!

 

Not so fast!!! As I walked up to Kinsey I could tell she was a bit shaken up by something. So I asked her what was wrong. It turns out that when Kinsey turned her back to the guy he took it upon himself to stick his hand down the back of her pants. So I asked Kinsey where he went and I noticed he was standing by the front door. So I walked over to him… the whole time I was thinking of how hard he needed to be hit, and how bad he deserved a can of whoop a$$… I also thought about how delicious my enchiladas that I had the night before were, and about the upcoming presidential race and how the war was drastically screwing up our economy… then I went back to thinking about how he is not worth jail time, lawyers, and medical bills. So I grab him by the shoulder and turn him around and went off on him. The whole time he kept saying, “I didn’t know it was your girlfriend.” Where do morons like this get the idea that it is ok to sexually assault a woman if she doesn’t have a boyfriend, does that make it ok in the tiny brains? That dumb comment got me even more ticked off. Then he said these words, “its cool, I with Big Al!!” By this time Big Al stepped in and broke it up. I had no idea that Al was friends with this guy. Well, Al ends up leaving with the guy… haha. Kidd thought it was the wrong move to make on his behalf but you know what? Al is still my boy. Even if he did try to get me to talk to the guy minutes after we almost threw down, and even if I ever get in a fight and notice him running out to his car, and even if a meteor falls on my car and he cant give me a ride because he is with some “hott hunnies”… yeah, Al will throw down a hot with two T’s.

 

WORD!!!

I am a single father for the weekend…

April 10, 2008 at 3:51 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 9 Comments

Well, looks like I will have a lonely weekend again : ( Kinsey is going out of town for work again… it’s all good though you gotta make that money… right? We have had plenty of chances to hang out in the last few weeks so in my eyes everything is back to normal. We still do fight though but mostly about who will take the dogs out to go potty since we have to go all the way down from our floor to do it. Which brings me to this point: the worst part about Kinsey going out of town is having to take care of the puppies 24/7. Maybe I can have a manly rock band tournament with Kidd’s game that I refuse to bring back to the studio : )

 

Dex is no problem since he can hold his potty in like a stud… Delilah on the other hand has not learned about holding it in for a hot second. As soon as she gets the urge she lets it out… even if it’s a tiny drop. Good news is that she knows it’s bad… bad news is that she is not very smart and always gets caught. She did learn to start trying to hide it by going under the bed… I would just love if she would stop doing that because it is a pain in my butt to clean under there. It is literally a pain because I seem to have pulled a muscle in my butt and I am sure bending over to look under my bed is the cause. Anyway, here is what she does; she will let something out, lately it has been mostly number ones… she gained control of the number two for now. As soon as she has an accident she sprints from wherever she did it to her kennel and crashes in there while growling because she hates when I call her a “bad girl”. She also growls when we give high fives and when I won’t play with her. As soon as she does the “I am just hiding in my kennel and growling for no reason” routine I start my scavenger hunt. I will then go try to get her out of her kennel and take her to the crime scent where I make her sit while I tell her she is a bad girl. She sits there and gives me puppy eyes, and then she growls and runs away to her kennel again. I feel like she should be 100% potty trained by now… so I will do what anyone else would do: Blame it on my girlfriend. Haha. So off I go to being a single father of two for the weekend. YAY!!! In other news I plan to change the scale in our bathroom and make it seem as if we are 10 pounds heavier… she will freak out, and it will make me look as if I have gained a ton of muscle mass…VERY NICE!!!!

 

 

WORD

CADOKD is my new word

April 8, 2008 at 5:18 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Howdy!!! So I have been hired into a brand new job… it’s for a pretty selective company and I got a pretty sweet title. Don’t worry I am not leaving the show… or if you hate me: haha, I am not leaving the show. My new title appointed to me is CADOKD… or Chief Appointed Director of Kinsey’s Destination. Pretty much I give Kinsey a ride while her stupid car gets fixed. That comes with no pay… unless you count some frenching as payment… Naughty naughty!!!

 

Yesterday Kinsey wanted to go to the mall “real quick” to return some jeans. I needed to buy some creatine so I can try to get all buff and stuff so I agreed. We drive out there and I buy my creatine and I am ready to go. So we walk over to Kinsey’s store to return her jeans. It should take about 2 minutes to do that. Well, Kinsey took the tags off the jeans so they told her she could ex-change them… 45 minutes later Kinsey had not found any jeans yet… 15 minutes later we walked out of the store with the same jeans because she didn’t find any she liked. One hour has now passed. I wanted to kick the mall in the head.

 

As we are walking out of the mall she decided to walk into her favorite store ever for a “hot second”. Apparently in woman talk a “hot second” is another hour. At this point the good old CADOKD was a bit ticked off. At least we spent valuable time together at the mall doing the thing I hate most in the world… shopping for girls clothes. Sure, its fun at first until someone gets hurt or accidentally puts on a skirt to have a good laugh with his girlfriend but ends up being laughed at by the entire store because his girlfriend pulled him out of the dressing room and took his jeans so he couldn’t put it on… or so I heard.

WORD!!!

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!

April 4, 2008 at 4:44 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments

Today will be a quickie but goodie. I am going to bust myself but I don’t mind because it was something that has never happened to me in this environment. So I went to a restaurant that rhymes with “Ooters” and I was enjoying my delicious chicken sandwich with the chipotle cheese and my curly French fries with jalapeno cheese. I had a very nice waitress or so it seemed until I overheard her talking to one of the other dudes who seems to frequent “Ooters” as well. She was telling him about her outstanding warrants, and I don’t mean outstanding as in “wow, that is one outstanding joke you told J-Si” type of outstanding, these were outstanding warrants in multiple states such as Tennessee (which reminds me of my favorite pick up line “you must be from Tennessee because you are the only ten I see”… hahaha, I still love it), she had one in Mississippi (which reminds me of my favorite pick up line “you must be from Mississippi because miss is ippi”… that only makes sense to nobody). Oh, we are not done yet… she had one in Louisiana and Georgia as well. Yup, the person serving my food is wanted by the law. Did I have an urge to call authorities… heck yeah, it would be hilarious to see an “Ooters” girl in jail with her sexy uniform on, but I refrained from that. Plus I felt that she may be able to harm me worse than Kinsey would if she found out I had decided to eat there… what? I like the wings!!!… even though I ate a sandwich.

Maybe I should have called police because what I heard next made me want to put down my wonderful sammich. She decided to inform a co-worker about how “heavy” her womanly visitor. I believe she said, “it is heavier than Linda”. I don’t know Linda, but I am going to guess she is on the heavy side based on the tremendous laughter those two waitresses decided to belt out. And guys are the gross ones? Oh yeah, she took it there. She was only about 3 feet away from me. I was suddenly full and could not consume any more food.

You would think it would stop there… hell to the no. She followed up with a beautiful story about how she is hooking up with two guys and has to shower twice a day to make sure she doesn’t get caught. Why does she shower so much? I don’t know, maybe she works in construction for fun. Or one of the guys smells funny. Possibilities are endless, but my stay there was not. I left… I would have kicked her but based on what I heard she may pop a cap up on me and that is what I call not a very nice situation.

Moral of the story: Guys, it is ok not to listen to women when their mouths are moving, something bad may bludgeon your ears. My name is J-Si and I was a victim of “whoopsie daisy listening”.

WORD!!!!

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