JC’s Blog

I have bought Grand Theft Auto IV… I didn’t want to buy it because I don’t have the time to invest in the game. However, I was at the mall and walked by Game Stop and saw it on the window just calling my name, “J-Si, buy me… you can have another life and make tons of money and any car you want.” So I gave in and bought it with my gift card. I told myself I would only play it for one hour a day that way I can still have a life and do work and all fun grown-up stuff. I started playing around noon so I should have been done by 1 pm… three hours later after making about 500 bucks, going on three dates and developing a relationship, fighting with gang members, and getting in a huge brawl with two bouncers at a “gentleman’s club” I said, “oh, crap… I was supposed to stop playing two hours ago”.

So this is my goodbye to the world for a couple of month’s speech:

Today, I consider myself… the luckiest man-an-an-an on the face of the earth-th-th-th. I have decided to give up having a life in order to indulge into something very unnecessary. Where else will I be able to fight the law and crime at the same time? Nowhere. Where will I be able to make fictional friends from another country? Nowhere… unless I got nutty crazy and start making things up in my head. Where will I be able to go to a gentleman’s club and not get in trouble with Kinsey? Nowhere! This why I must embark on this mission, I may be gone for a month… or two… or a year, I don’t know how long the game lasts but its something a man must do.  I will not go to the gym anymore, I will not play football anymore, I will not go out on the weekends anymore… this until I have fulfilled my tenure with my GTA game. However, I will eat Cheetos everyday, I will drink at least a six pack of sodas, and I will eat pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I will grow out my pony tail… why? Why not? That’s why. So farewell and wish me luck.

PS- Sorry Kinsey : )

Ummm…. There are a few things girls should warn guys about before making us commit to something. Example: Kinsey tells me I am white and need to get a little color. The natural solution is to tan. Unfortunately I don’t have time to go out to the pool and lay there for hours and suffer from a wonderful sunburn. So Kinsey tells me it would be wise of me to invest in a tanning membership. My first inclination was to stick my hand in the peanut butter jar and throw peanut butter at her to show how hilarious I thought the idea was… seriously, peanut butter on my girlfriend is just as hilarious as me getting a tanning membership.

So what did I do? Did I put my foot down? Hell to the nah!!! I caved in because I did feel pasty after my awesome farmer’s tan that I acquired on Saturday… and Kinsey said I would look more buff if I tanned. So Kinsey and I headed off to the tanning salon. I will go on and say that the front desk person at tanning salons is more annoying than telemarketers. I went in there wanting to get a $20 membership. His goal was to sell me the $200 membership. If Kinsey wasn’t there I would have fallen for his trap just to shut him up. I kept saying, “I just want the twenty dollar one.” Apparently this translated into, “I want to spend my entire paycheck on the super duper crazy ultra 4000 tanning bed and the fruity tootie fresh and cooly smelling lotion.” I don’t want my body to tingle, I just want some color so when I go on my trip to México I don’t get laughed at by my people. So after 89 minutes of telling the guy what membership I wanted, he finally quit, or ran out of ways to rip me off. He was one minute away from a swift kick to the tongue… luckily I only do that at the 90 minute mark.

Let’s move on to my tanning phase. I have noticed that Kinsey places a hart sticker on her skin to see how tan she is getting. I figure this is normal so I put the only sticker I found to be not super gay on a well placed area of my body. I had to choose from a heart, a “sexy”, and lips. I choose lips. As I came out I told Kinsey I had gotten pretty tan based on my lip sticker… as I said this a guy said, “dude, that’s for chicks.” Everyone started laughing so this is what I told the overly tan orange oompa loompa looking dude… “So is tanning.” Simple and to the point. In you face guy who works out 4 hours a day and fake tans with the weird spray that makes you smell like a dirty foot!!!! I will continue my tanning until go to Mexico to make sure I don’t look like a fire truck after the first day; I can’t look like a lobster because they are way too small. Fire trucks are big and awesome.

Moral of the story: I win and the wise a$$ loses… even though I had just tanned myself.

WORD!!!!

Oh, what a weekend… Friday night we had a show outing. We all hung out and had some fun no problem. For some reason on our walk back from the bar Andrew “what are you taaaaalking about?” Jones decided to say he was faster than me after we door bell ditched and had been running for a block. I saw this as a shot to my manhood so I challenged him to a good old fashioned foot race, I was going to do a kick fight but he was wearing steel toed boots. Naturally Uncle Daddy and Big Al decided they thought they could beat me as well… I am happy to announce that I annihilated them in the race… huge man ego boost. The award for hugest loss of man ego goes to Uncle Daddy for losing to Big Al. Andrew was disqualified because we said we would run and he waddled.  

 Saturday was Kenny Chesney time. I played “Slosh Ball” in the morning, then headed up to the venue to tailgate, and then entered the concert. I wish I could tell you Kenny rocked but I don’t really remember much… I do remember giving people high fives though : ) VERY NICE!!!!

I also got a chance to check out “Baby Mama”. I must say that the movie was better than I expected… its still no “Iron Man” though.  

Now I will take this week to recover from my newly acquired farmers tan and weird random bruise on my arm. I hate when I have a bruise and don’t have a clue where it came from.

Anyways, HAPPY 5 DE MAYO!!!!!! I know many of you would love to learn Spanish so here are some Spanish words and phrases to help you with your learning process : )

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WATER

My vieja gets mad and I don’t even know water problem is!

 SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BRIEF

My homie farted… bad, and I couldn’t brief.  

 SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: MUSHROOM

Orale vato, when all my familia gets in the car, theres not mushroom.  

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CHICKEN

My vieja wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by herself .

 SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: LIVER & CHEESE

Some vato tried to sweet talk my ruca.  I told him, orale loco liver alone, cheese mine.

 SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JULY

Ju tol me ju were goin to the store and July to me! Julyer!

 SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WAFER

I wanted to go with my mom to the flea market pero she didn’t wafer me!

 SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HERPES

I had some cake to share with my wife, this is my piece this is herpes

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: TISSUE

I told you if you didn’t know how to do it, I could tissue.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HARASSMENT

Aorale vato my old lady caught me in bed wit my sancha so I said harassment nothing to me!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CASHEW

I was running after you but I couldn’t cashew!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BISHOP

We went out to the club y mi vieja got drunk and fell down, so I had to pick the bishop.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JUICY
Hey vato, I’m going to eat Paco’s food, tell me if juicy him!

So, tragedy strikes me again. Actually… some may call it stupidity… I like to call it adventurism. I was watching Oprah yesterday for the first time in about a decade because David Blaine was going to attempt a world record. Now someday I will break a record myself so I wanted to watch what it will be like when I go on Oprah to break my world record for fastest unsnapping of 20 bras with one hand.

Now to the good stuff… David Blaine decided to break the record for holding his breath underwater the longest. At first I though… pffft, that’s a wussy record, I could probably break it. Then I heard the world record was 16 minutes and 32 seconds. WHOA!!!! The longest I ever held my breath was like 2 minutes and that was when I was a kid, this will lead us into my dumb move of the month. So David gets in his little water capsule and begins. This man held his breath for 17 minutes and 4 seconds… AMAZING!!! Granted, he did train for a long time and had oxygen pumped in his lungs for 23 minutes to help him. Crazy thing is that he had a heart rate of about 127 bpm when during training he was targeting around 50 bpm. This means that if his heart rate was lower he may have made it up to 20 minutes, that’s my educated 3 years of college guess. Haha.

So after he finished I said, “huh… I wonder if you can hold your breath longer as an adult.” I figured I could only do 2 minutes because I was a kid. So I filled up my tub and got myself ready… my target: 5 minutes. Easy!!! David Blaine did 17. So I get in my tub, butt in the air and start holding my breath. I then realized I didn’t have anything to keep track of my time. So I got up and got a stop watch. I got back down to action. I am sure if you took a picture of me doing this it would win on “Americas Funniest Home Videos”. Butt up in the air again, head in the water. Unfortunately I have a bit of a cold so in the middle of my attempt at the J-Si world record I went into an “I want to cough convulsion” and unfortunately my body decided to try and take a breath… it doest work when you are underwater. So I started chocking. Kinsey thought I was taking a bath so she ran in asking “why are you in your underwear next to the tub?” In the mean time I am on my back looking very sexy struggling to stay alive and remove the water from my lungs. Then I remembered that I read bath tubs are dirtier than a toilet… this means I drank foot juice, sweaty juice, and some good amount of old soap… and I am pretty sure my friend went pee in my shower once because he is lazy. Yay me!!! I almost drowned and I have an upset stomach… BARF!!!

Moral of the story: do not try to attempt world records in your tub, or when sick, or at all.

WORD!!!

Should I buy Grand Theft Auto 4? My brain says yes, but my girlfriend says no. If I get it I will be subjected to becoming a video game criminal for the next 2 months or so… at least its not real life criminal… that would not be fun unless I still from the rich and give to the J-Si, then it would be ok. Jk : ) Anyways, I am going to hold out… I think… but I want it really really bad. To make matters worse I have to drive by the video game store today and I have a gift card from my birthday. I am a weak man. WHY!!!! Why can’t I still be 19 years old with no worries and a summer full of time to waste? That would be ideal for me. Wish me luck with this awful temptation… in the mean time enjoy this list:

 TOP SIGNS YOU’RE WAY TOO PUMPED

ABOUT “GRAND THEFT AUTO 4″

–When your dad was leaving for work you ran out there, pulled him out, and took his car.

–You stood in line for the chance to stand in line for the chance to stand in line in front of Gamestop.

–You decided to you abstain from sexy time to play the game… Or however you want to spin your virginity. 

–You punched random people on the street to see what would happen and got your butt kicked by an old lady.

–You’re so excited about being able to play with other people online that you’ve stopped the futile search for real-life friends.

–You’ve been up all night . . . and your mom is PISSED.

WORD!!!!

So I am pretty sure everyone wants to know how prom went… well, I think it went awesome… now, hopefully Erika has the same feelings about this. Unfortunately for the youngins it was raining cats and dogs… where were the cats when that bird attacked me last week? So that made the voyage out to her house a long and scary one. Yup, she lived about an hour and some minutes away. Luckily I didn’t have an old white guy as a driver… I had a young hip brotha. We pretty much talked sports and swapped stories about weird people we have come across in our line of work. Shout out to Dayton by the way.

So we finally arrive at her house. Every single family member was waiting out there with her. Half of those family members were of the male gender and about 99% were more muscular and intimidating than I am (the other 1% was for the lil boy that was hanging out there). I don’t know why but I always feel like I am more awkward than a young deer learning how to walk. I feel like I cant walk and I drop things and I forget to say things. After getting threatened with my life if I treated her wrong we were on our way (I don’t blame them, I am going to threaten every single guy who looks at my sister until she is 30 years old).

We had some dinner and arrived at prom. For some reason I felt super nervous to walk in there. All these thoughts were going through my head like: what if I left my fly down? What if I fall in a puddle? What if I accidentally trip her and she falls in the puddle? What if a kid calls me a dork for going to prom at 25 years old? Actually I have an answer for that one… I would kick him.

We walked in and luckily I blended in with the kids… for once I was glad my face could not produce facial hair thus making me look like a teen. I was also shorter than most of these kids. As far as dancing goes I am not surprised at what I saw in there. Plenty of kissing and grooving, the thing is that I didn’t know what to do. I can’t dance on her because A. she is in high school B. I have a girlfriend C. I would feel oogie D. it would be weird E. her brother said he would kill me.

So I spent the night at a good two feet distance, except when we slow danced. One girl did break the two foot bubble. I started feeling a girl going to town behind me. So I kept dancing a lil bit and all of a sudden I felt a firm pinch on my gluteus maximum. I perked up like dog when he hears a low pitched whistle… except my tail didn’t start wagging. Fortunately that was the only incident of the night except for when the teachers tried to pull me in the closet… haha, just kidding.

I went, I danced, I didn’t make that big of a fool in front of people… I don’t think, and Erika had a good time : )

I may have to retire from Prom:

I J-Si, (tear) feel its time in my career to (sniff), hold on let me compose myself. After four wonderful proms and coming out of retirement for my 5th, and still never winning Prom King, I have decided to fully hang up my tuxedo shoes. I had some great times and some bad times, but my body cannot handle another dancing for four hours straight. My dancing is not what it used to be and I feel like instead of helping my date… (tear) I am hurting them. Thank you!!! It is ok to retire my tuxedo whenever you want.

WORD!!!!

Check out the pictures at kiddlive.com!!! Thank you ERIKA!!!!

I now officially hate birds with a passion. So yesterday I am walking my dogs… have you ever walked two dogs at once? If you have, have you ever walked one calm dog and a dog that is the spawn of a Tasmanian devil? Yeah, it’s tough. So I am walking my dogs having a good time trying to prevent Delilah from running out on the street and preventing Dex from trying to fight a 130 pound bulldog… all of the sudden I feel something zoom past my ear. I was thinking some idiot threw a rock at me so as I looked around I noticed a bird flying away from me. I then though, this bird must be blind or something. He then stops on a branch about 2 feet from me. At this point Delilah wants to play her favorite game called “lets kill the bird and bring in back in the house and store it under the bed until it starts smelling bad so J-Si has to move his bed and clean the carpet”, so to summarize things… she was going crazy with joy.

So this bird is sitting there looking at me, I am not a wuss so I stare at him right back. I started to get the “its about to go down” feeling in my stomach. He then said, “Squak, eerrp, paaak”, which in bird language means, “break yo self foo.” So I answered with “you are a freaking crazy bird.” I decided to be the bigger person and started to walk away and from behind I felt something peck the back of my head and knock my hat off. Yup, the bird cold cocked me in the back of the head. Now both my dogs are going crazy because they wanna protect big papa. Unfortunately they have now begun to tangle up my legs with their leashes. So I turn around only to catch a glimpse of the bird torpedoing towards my face so in the process of ducking I somehow lost my balance and fell on my knees. As I looked up to compose myself I noticed two girls walking their dogs about 30 feet away… were they scared for me? No, I would say they were lightly laughing at me… or loudly, you say tomato I say tomatoe. So I get myself up and start lightly jogging away and now the bird has decided to hover in front of my while lunging towards my face. I couldn’t really see much but I kept hearing, “squak” this and “squak” that so I busted out the only bird word I knew and said, “Cluck you stupid bird!!” He then settled again on a branch in front of me and he yelled some more bird obscenities at me. If I could do an awesome roundhouse I would have kicked him but I am not very flexible in the leg department so I passed that up. I decided to pick up a rock instead and in the midst of my anger I threw it towards the bird. The odds of hitting a bird with a rock are real slim and that is why I did it. I just wanted to let him know he messed with the wrong dude, plus if I hit him and he fell to the ground I could give him his well deserved kick in the beak. Luckily I missed, unfortunately my apartment complex was right behind the tree and my complex has windows. I watched in slow motion as this rock flew straight towards a window. The bird did fly to dodge and landed on a power line were he continued to mock me, the rock hit about a foot from the window… you don’t understand how scared I felt as the rock flew through the air. The two girls probably thought I was on drugs.  As they walked by they smiled and one said, “Having a bad day?” She said it with the “you are a moron” tone. So I quickly came back with, “you’re having a bad day!” I hope the bird attacked them too. I decided I had made my point with the bird and walked. No more attacks occurred after how found out I was strapped…

Moral of the story for the bird: In the hood you never know if the guy you are messing with is carrying a concealed rock… it’s a dangerous world out there for a bimp (that what you call a bird pimp)

WORD!!!!

Howdy folks!!! Kinsey’s sister left… I have to say it was a very successful visit other than the large amounts of money I spent on dinners and drinks… THANK YOU TAX TIME!!!! She had fun, Kinsey had fun, Dex had fun, I had fun, Delilah got diarrhea… all and all a good time. I did see Tony Romo celebrating his birthday with Jessica Simpson. They were making out and having a great time. I know celebrities are normal people… but it’s weird to actually see them acting like everyone else inside the club. Jessica did point at me when I was near her and she said “brown chicken brown coooow!!!” She remembered the joke from our interview!!! Yup, she wants me… as bad as she wants a swift kick to the left shoulder… the back on the shoulder if you wanted to get all technical.

Now let’s get to the HOLY CRAP! moment of the day. I witnessed my first motorcycle accident yesterday. I was headed to my favorite store… Target… and as I was arriving to the light it turned red so I patiently waited to make my right hand turn. As soon as the light turned green I noticed a motorcycle accelerating pretty quickly and next to him a pretty good looking girl in a Jetta… yeah, he was doing the show off deal to look like a SADOB (super awesome dude on bike). He then proceeded to quickly go into wheelie mode. His bike started to wiggle a bit, my eyes quickly got big and I no longer looked Asian. I knew it was gonna happen, I felt it in my stomach. The girl in the Jetta had stopped after noticing what was happening. After a few feet of wiggle action the guy slipped off the back and the bike slammed to the ground creating little sparks as it slid. I knew the guy would be ok because of lack of speed and cars, I now called him a SAC (super awesome crasher). As the guy was sliding right behind the bike and all I kept thinking was… Oh, this is scary yet so freaking awesome at the same time. As soon as the guy stopped I put my hazards on along with the guy behind me and we both ran towards the bike dude. A couple people from the shop had come out too and the girl in the Jetta was next to her car calling 911.

As we approached the guy on the road all we heard was a low groaning sound like when a guy gets hit in The Mexico part of the body. He groaned for a few minutes. So the genius next to me asked, “Are you ok?” I looked at him in disbelief thinking, “this guy just slid 25 feet on asphalt, is groaning and his shoe fell off… yeah he is chipper!!!” The guy managed to get on his knees, still groaning (if you ever watch Family Guy, think of Peter when he gets hurt, that’s what he sounded like). We told him we called 911 and he said, “I don’t need it, I don’t have insurance.” Now I may be onto something here but would you have health insurance if you were going to drive a deadly speeding machine with no airbags? He then manages to stand up which made me want to puke as soon as I saw the road burn on his leg, yes he had jeans on and the road decided to borrow the right side of his pants. He then asked, “Man, what did I hit?” the guy next to me said, “Nothing, you just lost control.” So the biker replies, “I must have hit a pot hole.” So I said, “Nah, the road is pretty smooth, I think you may have hit that huge bump called your ego.” Just kidding I didn’t say the last part and good thing I didn’t because it’s pretty corny. He then picked up the bike and limped it over to a parking spot in the little shopping center that was just feet from where he crashed and everyone went on their way. I offered to buy the bike from him for 20 bucks… he said 50, so I said 30 and a ride home; he said 45 and a ride home. I then walked to try to call his bluff. He didn’t call it so I ended up with no bike.

Moral of the story: Wheelies are cool, but dorks who crash trying to do a wheelie to impress a random girl who they will never talk to them because rat tails went out in the early 90’s are AWESOME!!!

WORD!!!!

Tonight is Kellie’s birthday party… I have a dilemma… a huge dilemma. Well, at least in my life it’s a huge dilemma. If you guessed J-Si would say Dilemma 3 times at the beginning of his blog you were completely wrong. I said it four times, if you guessed four you win a “yo mama” joke: Yo mama so fat she’s got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book! Haha. Anyways, tonight is the first game of my football season with my new team and it starts at 7pm. Kellies Party starts a 6pm and ends at 9pm. This means that if I play I will arrive at the party at around 8:30pm… not enough time to be a good friend. On the other hand I really don’t want my new team to think that I am flaky. But Kellie did put on my b-day party. So I have come to the conclusion that maybe a miraculous rain storm will flood the field or and anonymous sand monster threat will be called into the football field. If both of those fail I believe I will just have to miss my first game. I can’t ditch Kellie like that on her B-day party… I have nothing crazy going on during the week and the one time I have plans I end up having double plans. Sometimes life sucks… so you know what I say… Don’t let it suck, you tell that life, “no, bad life! Sucking is not aloud you hoochie life.”

WORD!!!!

Today will be a quickie but a goodie. Haha, that’s what HE said. I will also give it a rating of PG-13.  So I went out to lunch with some foolio friends of mine. During lunch I started getting a bunch of calls from Kinsey. So finally I answered because I figured something crazy was happening. You know when the fellas go grab lunch we don’t want to be answering the phone due to loss of man card points. So when I answered the phone I could tell something was wrong so I asked her… she gave me those words every man hates to hear: “I will talk to you when you get home.”

My appetite had been ruined… I call it a well timed attack on her behalf, touché. So after going over every single move I made the last month, and after thinking about all the things I have not told her about breaking I came to the conclusion that I needed to face my “what the heck in the world did I do” matter.

When I arrived at home Kinsey was on the bed with the dogs and a face that I would like to call somber with a splash of pissy, and a hint of anger. She automatically held up what a thing that rhymes with ondom. So she asked “where did this come from?” Apparently Kinsey had been doing a little cleaning up action with my clothes and may have stumbled across the pants I wore for St. Patrick’s Day. Luckily I remembered why I would have it and said, “I have it because I was dressed like the funny leprechaun and a drunk dude in the parking lot figured I would be getting some love from the ladies so he handed me that florescent pink guy… which you grabbed from his hand and stuck in my back pocket to be funny.” She looked at me… back at the ondom… and back at me and just said, “oh… yeah.” That was it. She then got up and gave me a hug and a how are you and moved on like nothing happened. HOW DO WOMEN HAVE THE POWER TO DO THIS?!?!?!

WORD!!!!